2024
The Dark and the Light and Everything in Between
It began with reflection. Inward reflection of the self. This last year has been, largely, a struggle— in both a physical and mental sense. My health deteriorated, seemingly out of nowhere, and I’m still attempting to regain normalcy and mediocrity… which wholeheartedly, I crave. I am eager for the a day where I feel completely myself again.
Because of these issues, I’ve had a vast amount of time alone; to contemplate everything imaginable. To be quite honest, taking my own life weaved it’s way into my thinking. Because how can one possibly live with an ailment? I realized, quickly, how pathetic and ableist that thought was but unfortunately having control over consciousness isn’t the easiest.
And so the journey to outmaneuver my mind began. I sat in solitude for many hours thinking of, essentially, everything. I wouldn’t call it meditation as meditation doesn’t come easy for me. My mind races constantly, never truly calming. So as I sat in silence (I’d often forgot to play any music for hours at at time) and contemplated everything my feeble mind could ponder…. the dark and the light and everything in between.
Out of those thoughts a photographic series came to mind. A series involving self reflection, only it’s incredibly difficult to photograph self reflection. How do you photograph a feeling coming from within? Instead of attempting to, I used a mirror as a visual reference of that contemplation. That reflection of one’s own. At some points it reflects inward and at others, outward. It symbolizes our mind, a deep and largely uncharted realm we struggle to full understand.
The spectacular philosopher Hanna Arendt believed solitude was different from both isolation and loneliness in that it requires being physically alone. However, in solitude, the self is not existentially alone. The self keeps company with itself, in dialogue with itself. While both loneliness and isolation are marked by disconnection and desertion, in solitude the individual remains connected to oneself and the world.
This concept Arendt proposes is the idea behind “The Dark and the Light and Everything in Between.” Taking time with one’s self is important and impactful however it’s critical to stay connected with the world. Self reflection has always been frightening to me. I desire not to look inward, afraid of what I’ll find. Challenging that thinking has been critical in making progress with my mental health even though I’d prefer not participate.
But I have no choice. My progress may be slow but I have no other option but to take those small steps towards healing. I know much of what I’m describing is vague, but that is purposeful. I believe many of us, especially those who read and follow my work, find themselves in similar positions and can and will relate to my words and images. If not now, at some point in time. This common ground acts as a bridge between us, and that bond, or connection, is the reason I continue to create the photographs I do.